Her husband has an extra marital affair with another woman

17-1-2010 | IslamWeb

Question:

Assalam o alekum
I've been married for 10 years, have 3 kids son 9 and daughters 4 and 2. My husband was in sexual relationship with a girl before we got married for about 3-4 years. I got to know this after my son was born at that time he was sexually involved with her after some times he kicked me out of the house when I caught him talking to her. He got me back after promises that he will not contact her again. But now I found him chating with her and the disgusting part was that he was discussing my physical appearance with her. I am very hurt and disgusted he didn't even said sorry to me and kept saying that it was her who contacted him but I knew through phone bill that he called her first. This has been going around for the past 10 years, but now I just cant trust him any more and does not have any feelings towards him, but he is like noting has happened between us. He doesn't even apologised for his behaviour, I'm in severe depression. Please tell me what to do shall I leave him or stay with him jus for the kids.
Answer:

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) is His slave and Messenger.

 

First of all, we ask Allaah to make for you a way out from your distress and rectify and guide your husband.

We advise you to supplicate Allaah to guide your husband and make him hate sins and acts of disobedience. It would be useful if you advise him repeatedly in a soft and calm manner while clarifying to him that this matter is forbidden and abominable as far as Sharee’ah and human nature are concerned. How can he do this with daughters of other people while he does not accept this for his own daughters, and not even for one of his female relatives?

For instance, you may remind him of that young man who asked the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) to give him permission to commit Zina (fornication or adultery), as this story is deterrence to any rational person. Abu Umaamah may Allaah be pleased with him said: "A young man came to the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) and asked him to give him permission to commit Zina. When the Companions may Allaah be pleased with them heard this, they rushed to deter him and told him: “Stop it.” Then, the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: ''Bring him close to me.” Then the man got closer to the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) and sat down. The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) asked him: ''Would you like this for your mother?” The man said: “I swear by Allaah, no; may Allaah make me ransom for you”. The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: ''People do not like this for their mothers as well.” He [Prophet] asked him: “Would you like this for your daughter?” The man said: “I swear by Allaah, no, may Allaah make me ransom for you”. The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: ''People do not like this for their daughters as well.” The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) asked again: “Would you like this for your sister?” The man replied: “I swear by Allaah, no; may Allaah make me ransom for you” The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: ''People do not like this for their sisters as well.” The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) asked again: ''Would you like this for your paternal aunt?” The man replied: “I swear by Allaah, no; may Allaah make me ransom for you”. The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: ''People do not like this for their paternal aunts as well.” The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) asked again: ''Would you like this for your maternal aunt?” The man replied: “I swear by Allaah, no; may Allaah make me ransom for you”. The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: ''People do not like this for their maternal aunts as well.” [Ahmad]

It should be noted that if one of his children discovers this conduct from him, he would despise him due to this. Worse than this, he might imitate him in this regard, and so, he will be lured by the devil to commit Zina as well. If this happens, it would be a big shame.

Moreover, we advise you to preoccupy your husband with what is beneficial and useful, and you should beautify yourself to him so that he would not be attracted to other women.

Besides, you should know that it is forbidden in religion to follow other people’s faults. Ibn ‘Umar may Allaah be pleased with him narrated that the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: "O you who are Muslims by tongue but ‘Eemaan (faith) has not entered your hearts! Do not harm the Muslims, and do not degrade them and do not pursue  their imperfections, because if someone pursues the imperfections of his Muslim brother, Allaah will pursue his imperfections, and he whom Allaah pursues his imperfections, He would disgrace him even in his own dwelling.” [At-Tirmithi] If this is in regard to the people in general, then it is more confirmed in regard to the husband.

In any case, if your husband does not rectify himself, and you fear that your hate to him would cause you to be negligent about his rights, then you may ask for divorce even in return for compensation. There is no good for you in having marital relationship with a man who has an affectionate relationship with a non-Mahram woman and insists on this. As regards the children, Allaah will take care of them.

Allaah Knows best.

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