His foul-mouthed wife mistreats him and his parents
19-5-2010 | IslamWeb
Question:
Assalamu alaikum wrb. I have been married for 17yrs now, but unfortunately does not share a happy married life till now. I have 2 sons (15 & 8) whom I have taken care with the best of comforts, islamic guidance, morals of islamic life, performed Umrah etc. However, I have got very little support from my wife except that she cooks and does the basic household work. She is not on talking terms to my parents and family since the last 10yrs. She calls foul language, on me and my parents. She has cursed me beyond words can tell and run away to her mother's house on more than 20 occassions in the last 17yrs. Her mother's household do not have a strong faith and are still into forbidden things. Never has she taught 1 single hadith to my sons and positive things of life. She has poisoned my elder son so much that he has started to reply me and raise his hand on me. But since he is my son, I love him and will forgive me fearing Allah's displeasure on him. Having said this, I have also hit my wife and scolded her in early married life but now tamed down after growing my taqwah and fear of Allah. I am not wanting a divorce since I need to see my children come up in life and fear Allah for the herafter which only I can provide with Allah's guidance, and I am convinced that my children will not have a guidance, islamic advice, professional support, etc without me by their side. I am sacrificing my life for the sake of my children expecting Allah pleasure and jannah in the hereafter. But I also fear Allah's punishment for having not treated my wife with respect. I am doing this due to her negative qualities and not caring of my children and parents and getting suspicious on me over everything esp women. Am seeking your advice on how to lead a normal life? Will I be questioned by Allah if I dont divorce her and set her free since we are highly imcompatible? As I write this, she has again run away from this country to he mother's house in another country w/o my permission.
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad 
is His slave and Messenger.
Both spouses may live a happy marital life by trying to fulfill Allaah’s order in being kind to each other; Allaah Says (what means): {And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable.}[Quran 2:228] Therefore, each spouse must fulfill his/her obligations towards the other spouse; for more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 85308 and 83157.
Raising the children is a shared responsibility between the two spouses, and each of them should fulfill his/her role. Ibn ‘Umar 
narrated that the Prophet said: “…and a man is a guardian over his household and shall be questioned about the people under his guardianship, and a woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and shall be questioned about the people under her guardianship.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] However, he who lacks something can not give it. So, if you do not guide and admonish your wife, and teach her her religion, then she will not be able to nurture your children on goodness.
Therefore, we advise you to be keen on teaching her and guiding her in a good way and you should be an example for her in doing good. Indeed, mistreating her is contradictory to this. Even if she is wrong, this should not lead you to mistreat her. When she is disobedient, it is enough for you to follow the wise steps that are determined in the Sharee’ah in treating her disobedience as clarified in Fatwa 85402.
As regards what you mentioned about your wife, that she raises her voice on you and insults you and goes out of the home without your permission, then each of these matters is enough evidence that she is disobedient. Moreover, if she abandons your family and cuts ties with them and she is the cause in this, then she is wrong, because it is Islamically required to have good relations with her in-laws.
In any case, you are not religiously required to divorce her; Ibn Qudaamah 
clarified in his book “Al-Mughni” that the five rulings of Sharee’ah, (i.e. being forbidden, disliked, permissible, recommended or obligatory) may apply to divorce, among which is that divorce becomes permissible when there is a need to initiate it because of the ill-conduct of the wife and bad marital relationship with her in addition to being harmed by her without achieving the purpose of marrying her; for more benefit, please refer to Fatwa divorced their wives">104995.
Therefore, in this case it is not an obligation to divorce her but if you keep her, you should treat her in kindness; Allaah Says (what means): {Either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness.}[Quran 2:229] Treating her in kindness may be a reason for rectifying her and you should clarify to her that such problems have a negative effect on your two children and that these problems may cause them to commit evil acts as it appears from the behaviour of the elder son. There is no doubt that the way your son behaves is a kind of disobedience to you, so you should advise him to repent to Allaah from this. For more benefit on cutting ties with parents; please refer to Fatwa 87856.
Finally, your wife should not suspect you without evidence; Allaah Says (what means): {O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin.}[Quran 49:12] However, we advise you to stay away from what causes doubt and suspicion so that she will not be more suspicious about you.
We ask Allaah to rectify your wife and comfort your eyes with your children.
Allaah Knows best.