Wife's stress and depression because of living with in-laws
10-3-2017 | IslamWeb
Question:
My husband and I have been married for almost three years. We have a daughter who is one years old and have a son on the way. I am very depressed and stressed out, and I have been in this state for a while. We live in his father's and step-mother's house. We have lived here for almost a year and a half. When we first came to live here, it was only supposed to be for a month until we would get a new apartment. I told my husband that I refused to stay any longer because we had a baby on the way and needed our own space. He pushed the time back more and more, until we reached a point at which we could not move! His brothers and sisters and their families were all living in the house as well. He says that he wants to move at the end of the year, definitely before the new baby comes, because we have no room here. However, every time I mention a house that is below our budget and good, or whenever I ask him what our options are, he yells at me and says that we will move when he is ready and so on. I cannot take it anymore. I clean after his father and stepmother and her grandchildren, I cook and do laundry. I also clean and cook for my own family and take care of a one-year-old while I am pregnant! I have to have my own house; I cannot continue to live like this. Any advice? I hate to think of divorce; my health has dropped because of the stress and work that I have to do in the house, and I am pregnant! I need some insight! O Allaah, guide me to the right path.
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.
We ask Allah, The Almighty, to facilitate your affairs and relieve your distress. We advise you first of all to supplicate Allah frequently to fulfill your needs and relieve you of your distress and to remember Him as much as you can with Thikr (expressions of remembrance of Allah); indeed, the remembrance of Allah is a source of solace and peace of mind; it relieves anxiety and depression. Allah, The Exalted, says (what means): {Those who believed and their hearts are assured with the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.} [Quran 13:28]
It is your right as a wife to live in a separate house, independent from your in-laws. You are not obliged to live with them, as has been underlined by scholars of Fiqh; please refer to fatwas 84608 and 86388. The same applies to serving your husband's family; you are not obliged to serve them, as we have previously underlined in fatwa 84909.
Islam commands the husband to be kind and compassionate towards his wife. Allah, The Exalted, says (what means): {And live with them in kindness...} [Quran 4:19]
It is not kindness that the husband yells at his wife when she asks him for her legitimate right. It is also not kindness that he does not take into account your condition of weakness and pregnancy. This necessitates that you do less work and receive help in housework, not that he makes the burden heavier for you.
There is no doubt that your situation requires wisdom in treating it so that you receive your legitimate rights. You should also not hasten to ask for divorce; it is not always the solution. Rather, you should be patient and discuss the matter with your husband gently. You may seek the mediation of someone whom you believe your husband would listen to, whether a relative or otherwise. There is no harm in seeking the help of such a person to talk to your husband in this regard.
As for your husband's kindness towards his family and helping them financially, this is commendable of him. However, it is impermissible for him to do so at the expense of his wife and children while neglecting their rights over him as a result.
Allah knows best.