Being patient with irresponsible, criticizing husband
8-5-2005 | IslamWeb
Question:
To what extend should a wife be patient. I work full time job and have five children 2-12 years of age, and I try to do everything to please my husband and my children. Currently my husband work is very slow and I have been responsible for all the expenses for one year, I do all of the house work , I do most of the grocery shopping, and I take care of the children and help them with there homework and activities. Almost everybody around me calls me a superwoman for all the work I do except my husband, he always criticizes me and when I try to explain to him about all the responsibilities I have and ask him to help me, he ignores the fact that house duties need to be done and they are necessary for our life. I feel that I am punished twice, once because I have to work for a living and second because I am not appreciated by my husband when I sacrifice my life and time for him and the family. I have always been asking him to try to share responsibilities more equally and his response is that he is a man and he is not designed to take care of children (even helping with school homework) and the house duties are not important and we can live without cleaning the house or cooking. I am very tired physically and emotionally. I know spouses rights and duties, and I tried to talk to my husband regarding finding a way to improve his work and have an income, but all what I get back is that I need to cut back with expenses and ignore house duties. Would I be punished for not obeying my husband leave the house unorganized and dirty, and cut down my work and have myself and my children suffer financially, knowing that I am very careful spending my income only on essential life requirements). I decided not to talk about the problem again with my husband because of the way he reacts to me including hitting me and throwing objects at me.
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.
One of the most important objectives of Islamic legislation in marriage is to achieve the stability of marital life. To realize this, each spouse should perform the duties that suit him, and respect the other partner, Allaah says (which means): {And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable.}[Quran 2:228].
On the one hand, Allaah has put man at a higher degree of responsibility over the woman because he is obliged to spend on her, Allaah says (which means): {Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means.}[Quran 4: 34].
Some scholars
reported that there is a consensus of the scholars that it is an obligation on the husband to spend on his wife and children.
On the other hand, the wife has to serve her husband in compliance with the customs, according to the most preponderant opinion of scholars.
Therefore, if your husband is as you described, we advise you to be patient with him, because patience is the key to much good. Besides, you have to advise him and remind him of Allaah and supplicate as much as possible to Allaah to turn him into a righteous man. Also, you can seek the help of the people whom you think could influence him and they will remind him to fulfil his responsibility, that if Allaah has blessed him with a righteous wife who helps him in his household and in nurturing his children, he should not respond to this blessing with mistreatment and arrogance. In addition to this, he should be reminded that helping his wife in household matters is the task of men with noble character and this is not a deficiency in him. 'Aa'ishah, 
was asked about what was the Prophet 
doing in his house, she replied: "He used to help his wives and when it was time for the prayer, he went out to the prayer." So after being advised, if he takes heed, all perfect praise be to Allaah; otherwise, in order to remove the harm from you, you are allowed to seek divorce. However, you should not hasten to ask for divorce, rather you should act carefully and balance between the benefit of divorce and the benefit of staying with him under these circumstances and nurturing the children. Moreover, you are not sinful for not obeying him in leaving the house untidy and in a mess, because you are only obliged to obey him in what is permissible, and leaving the house untidy and dirty purposelessly is not among what is permissible.
Finally, it should be noted that the children should not be aware of the marital problems as this has bad effects on them in their life. We ask Allaah to help you and make a way out to your difficulty, as He is able to do everything.
Allaah knows best.