Let divorce be the last solution
21-9-2006 | IslamWeb
Question:
It was an arranged marriage 19 years ago in a South Africa. We are both born Muslim Hanafi aged 47. We have 3 girls aged 9,11 & 16. Over the last 5 to 10 years to now, our marriage has being going downhill. It has now reached a dead-lock dead-end. I'd like to know whether we should separate and for how long or to divorce or any other solution. The reasons for the downhill and deadlock is that the marriage lacks from both husband and wife happiness, true love, trust, confidence, kindness, mutual respect, laughter, understanding, overlooking others faults. Instead, both my wife and I regularly (like every week) find faults, argue, shout, and scream at each other. We are also suspicious of each other; blame each other for marriage problems. We are both practical in our faith e.g. reading Namaaz, Quran, Fasting, Zakaat, been for Haj. Wife is perhaps better than me Islamically. Allah knows best. There is no physical abuse. Wife feels husband is failing in some duties as husband and father. I feel wife is failing in some duties as wife & mother. We both tried to reconcile but we tried this many, many times over the years and every time it fails and the same problems start all over again. I feel that there is no future in this marriage. We also fight and argue in front of the children. She holds me responsible for all the marital problems. Please advise as there is no happiness, love, affection, patience, understanding, trust, good communication, peace, unity and friendship between us. We also disobey each other and do things that anger each other. We cannot continue living like this as it is not only affecting our lives, but that of the children as well! What would happen to the children if we divorce? If divorce, what else must we consider, e.g. how much must I pay for family’s maintenance costs and till when? Anything else to consider regarding divorce? Anything else to consider regarding divorce and remarriage to new spouses? Allah knows best!
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.
Your family, of which you are the father and maintainer, is enjoying many blessings from Allaah, among which is the blessing of Islam, being steadfast on the obedience of Allaah, and having children. Having children strengthens the relationship between the two spouses even further. Therefore, one should not forget these bounties amidst the problems which may occur in marital life. Furthermore, you should know that homes are not only built on love, as 'Umar 
said. Indeed there are other factors which strengthen and make this marital life continue; among which is being kind to each other and fulfilling the rights of one another.
For more benefit on the rights of spouses, please refer to Fataawa 83157 and 88304.
Among these factors also is that the spouses should know the great benefits which could be achieved by the continuity of marital life, especially the benefit of the children. In addition to this, you should know the disadvantages which could result from divorce, as this leads to the breaking up of the family and the spoiling of the children. You have already mentioned some disadvantages in your question.
Therefore, both of you should be wise and you should sit together to discuss the issue in a frank and friendly manner while focusing on the objective of achieving good for this family, especially the benefit of the daughters.
You should put foundations for a correct mutual relationship and mutual respect and overlook the mistakes. If you do so, it is expected that love and affection will prevail in the family.
Moreover, if you are truthful and sincere, it is hoped that you will be able to reconcile. Allaah Says (what means): {If they both desire reconciliation, Allaah will cause it between them.} [Quran 4:35]. Consequently, one should seek the help of Allaah first and last.
If reconciliation is of no avail after trying all these means and it is not possible to keep your wife in an acceptable manner, then you should release her (divorce her) in a kind manner in a way that the daughters will not be very affected by your separation.
For more benefit on the rights of a divorced woman, please refer to Fatwa 83934, and Fataawa 88233 and 89832.
Then, if you are divorced, both of you are allowed to marry whomever you want, but your wife is obliged to wait until her waiting period expires.
For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 83672.
Allaah Knows best.