Question

I do not even know where to start. My parents have been very abusive ever since a young age. They had a very bad marriage relationship that affected us badly. My dad had some mental issues before. When he was younger, he used to take it all out on us in our early childhood through physical and emotional abuse. My brothers suffered the worse; he used to beat them up for nothing. They sent my two brothers, who were 14 and 15 years old to Malaysia for university alone, despite their inability to comprehend university at such a young age and despite our very good financial status that could grant them an education at any age just because dad is 50 years old and is afraid that he might die before seeing them make his dreams of becoming engineers and successful come true. My brothers are suffering severely given that now they are in London alone, while they are only 16 and 17 years old. One of them is in a very noticeably bad condition (suffering from depression, hinting at being gay). My sisters and I are locked in a cage; they do not even allow us to work or attend courses to improve ourselves. They made us all go for a pharmacy degree so that they can use the certificate for their own financial personal use although we are really rich already. They banned me from attending a debate club and a charity club, so I do it behind their backs. I prayed the Istikharah (prayer of consultation) prayer before doing so, and the results were positive, but I still feel guilty about it. I am 20 years old, and they want me to get married to anyone just because they want to get rid of the responsibility; my dad has been hinting at a forced marriage. I know that I will not be able to ever get out of their control. They plan to force even my brothers into marriages of their choice. We have been finding evidence that dad has been cheating on mom since a long time, but we are not sure. I have been having really bad thoughts, and God knows which maniacal episodes I have been through. I once took my hijab off and wanted to go back home and burn the house down, but my sister stopped me. I even had thoughts of killing them. I am desperately losing hope. Do not tell me to be patient, I am losing.

Answer

May Allah make it easy for you. When we receive letters like these, the answers or advice given is based on what is said in the letter or the question. Often times, the questioner might be exaggerating the matter. I see some contradicting things in your letter; you say that you feel that you are locked in a cage, but then you say that you studied pharmacy. So I assume that you did not like to study pharmacy but were forced to do so by your father.

It seems that your father cares for you and your brothers and sister but that there is a lack of communication between you and him. After all these years, what you should do is to give your father his right, as Allah wants from you, regardless of how your father was to you, since this is an act of obedience to Allah. Gently speak to your father about your concerns, without being angry or disrespectful to him. Each person is responsible for their own actions; if your father is not giving his children their rights, Allah, the Most Just, will ask him on the Day of Judgment, but that should not cause you not to fulfill your father’s rights, otherwise you will also be subjected to the punishment of Allah.

Life is a test, and Allah is the Most Wise. He created your father to be your father as one of the reasons for you to show obedience to Allah. One of these acts of worship is “patience”; it is mentioned in the Quran over a hundred times. You said, “Do not tell me to be patient, I am losing,” but this is not the right way for a Muslim. Without Patience there is no faith, so change your attitude and be patient, because this is your way towards happiness in this life and the Hereafter.