I am in urgent need of your advise on a very serious subject. I am a woman from catholic family who Al-Hamdulillah, reverted to Islam in 1996. I also married a Muslim from a Muslim country shortly after that. We tried to keep our marriage for the last 7 year but in the end the troubles became very difficult and we divorced in the following way: 1st divorce was in May of 2000. When I wanted to go see my mother in USA and he told me: "If you leave the house you will be divorced" well I went and he told me we are divorced but he took me back when I came back from my mothers 10 days later. The 2nd divorced happened in a similar way. In May of 2001 my mother came to Europe to visit me and she had booked a holiday for one week for us together as a surprise gift for me and my daughter. The same thing happened again. He said: "If you go on holiday with your mother you will be divorced". But unfortunately I went with her. When I came home with her 6 days later he didn't speak to me for another week but took me back to him one week later. Then we tried to solve our differences but somehow many things came in the way. We agree that we love each other and want to try to keep the marriage; somehow we kept running into problems. So in January of 2002 he asked me if I wanted to divorce and I told him that maybe it is the best thing. We talked to a lawyer here in Europe and he did give us legal advice on how to get a divorce. We still lived together at the same time trying to make our relation work (we have 2 children. One 11 years old from my first marriage and one 5 years old from our marriage). Then the paperwork of filing for a European divorce finally came through and we were asked to go to court. The day we went to court we were still living together as husband and wife. In the courtroom the judge asked us both if we wanted a divorce and with much difficulty we both told the judge yes. Then the judge did say .. ok now you are divorced. After this happened we went together to our house and we were shocked. We both are not sure if we are Islamically divorced or not. This happened in September of 20002 and I went to an Imam here in Europe to ask him about it. He said no matter Islamic judge or not we are divorced. So I started counting Iddah from that time on.Now we are in February of 2003 and both of us are suffering terribly. We talk on the phone everyday, try to comfort each other over the phone (he went back to his home country to get away from this situation) he said that he didn't realize that the European divorce would be counted Islamically. So now I am in need of two answers. Are we divorced Islamically and if so… is there any way to repent for our mistake since we didn't know that impact of this court judgement? We both and the children are suffering from this and both of us don't know how to continue live. We both were ignorant in a religious matter. Please advise me of my situation and Insha Allah I will be able to learn to live with Allah's will.

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

A Muslim husband should not issue divorce except under utmost necessary reason. When the matrimonial life becomes unbearable with respect to Allah's boundaries, then one could have recourse to divorce. In fact, it should be the last solution. It is a great mistake that the person keeps on uttering the words of divorce or warning to put it into effect as this could lead to unpleasant consequences.

The Prophet considered the person who divorces three times at the same time a “juggler of the Book of Allah” let alone the person who keeps brandishing divorce for the simplest reason. Anytime he wants to prevent his wife from doing something or orders her to do something, he swears with clear words of divorce. Muhammad Ibn Labeed narrated that the Prophet was informed about a man who divorced his wife thrice at the same time. Thereupon, the Prophet stood up angrily and said: “Do you mock of The Book of Allah while I am among you.” A man even stood up and said: “O Prophet of Allah! Shall I kill him'?” [An-Nasaa’i; Al-Albaani graded it as Dha’eef (weak)]

Swearing by divorce is unlawful as it is an innovation and the Prophet said: “If one has to take an oath, he should swear by Allah or otherwise keep quiet.”

Similarly, it is unlawful for the Muslim woman to support Satan in destroying her family by arguing with her husband until pushing him to divorce her or to make an oath of divorce.

In fact, Satan gets very satisfied when he succeeds in destroying a family (causing divorce). Muslim reported that the Prophet said: “Iblis (Satan) places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. Satan says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: “You have done well. He then embraces him.”

Allah describes the believing women by saying (what means): {So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard.} [Quran 4: 34]

It is unlawful for the Muslim woman to go out of her home without the permission of her husband who is her guardian who protects her, looks after her and indeed wards off anything that could stain her honor. Allah Says (what means): {Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth.} [Quran 4: 34]

Moreover, At-Tirmithi reported that the Prophet also said: “Any woman who dies while her husband is satisfied with her, enters Paradise.”

Having established this, know dear sister – may Allah help you – that most of the Muslim scholars believe that the first two forms of divorce you mentioned are valid hence effective. This is the opinion of the four Imams and other scholars and no doubt that this is safer and more appropriate.

Some scholars believe that there are differences between these two forms. They said that the person who makes an oath of divorce such as saying to his wife: “If you go out of the home you are divorced or if you do this or that you will be divorced” … and similar expressions, he is dealt with according to his intention. So, if his intention was divorce, then divorce becomes effective as soon as the woman does what he has told her not to do. But if his intention was not divorce but only preventing her from doing something, then the oath here takes the rule of an oath only and not a divorce.

In this case, if the woman does what he has sworn to her not to do, then he is obliged to expiate for breaking an oath. The expiation is to feed ten needy people, or cloth them or free a slave. If he cannot do any of the above, he should fast for three days.

As for the third divorce that occurred in a European court when the judge asked your husband whether he wants to divorce his wife, and he answered affirmatively. This divorce is effective if your husband had intended to divorce you while writing it on papers or when admitting it when the judge asked him. If he did not intend divorce when he wrote it on papers neither did he intend divorce when he admitted that to the judge, then this divorce is not effective.

According to the majority of Muslim scholars if the third divorce was effective then it is an irrevocable divorce. Therefore, you are not lawful for your husband and you cannot be with him unless you marry another man. The new husband should consummates the marriage with you and then if he divorces you willingly then you may marry the first husband after completing your waiting period from the second husband, and you may remarry your first husband if your second husband dies.

Finally, know that after the irrevocable divorce you are not allowed to stay with him in seclusion or visit him or talk to him except in the limits of the necessity concerning the matters of the child. All the Muslim scholars have agreed that a man after the irrevocable divorce becomes totally a non-Mahram person to his ex-wife. So, she should put on Hijab in his presence and should not meet him, etc. Beware of Satan who may lure you to do what is forbidden after living a lawful life.

Allah Says (what means): {O you who have believed, do not follow the footsteps of Satan. And whoever follows the footsteps of Satan - indeed, he enjoins immorality and wrongdoing.} [Quran 24: 21]

Allah also Says (what means): {And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.} [Quran 17: 32]

The Prophet said: “No man ever stays alone with a woman but Satan becomes their third (companion).” [Ahmad, At-Tirmithi, and it is a sound Hadeeth]

Know that divorce is not the end of your life. You may start a new life avoiding the past mistakes; the most dangerous of them is disobeying your husband.

Allah Says (what means):

• {But if they separate [by divorce], Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise.} [Quran 4: 130]

• {And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect.} [Quran 65:2-3]

• {And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him of his matter ease.} [Quran 65: 4]

Allah knows best.