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Fatwa CenterMarriages are not built only on love
Question
I am a 20 years married woman, and I have a son, after I got married I had some problems with my husband which left a huge space between us, I feel he is very different that what I am, he likes to control everything, I mean he is a good man in manners and religion but I just feel that I can't get along with him, I just don't love him and I feel that I can't love him, I feel I am committing a sin because I am not being the wife I should, the Islamic wife, and that is bothering me but I just don't love him and anything I do is not from my heart, and sometimes I think about things that I shouldn't do as a married woman, feelings toward another man, I mean Al-hamdu Lillah, I never did anything wrong but its that I am a human and I have feeling and I can't control my heart and I am very honest with him and everything that I am writing right now I told him about it because I want to be clear and I want to please God and I don't want to lie and be faked with him so I make sure everything is just very clear between us. He is trying now to make thing s better but I just cant love him, my question is the reason I am with him is my son, but at the same time I am 20 years old and I don't want to live my life like this, I am always sad and thinking. So I need your advice, what do you think I should do?
Answer
Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds; and may His blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon all his Family and Companions. No doubt that conjugal life (in its best form) is built on love and affection between the two partners. But this does not mean that it cannot continue without these feelings. Indeed, there are some other elements that supply the marital life with what strengthens it and makes it persevere. First, each of the two partners should deal kindly with his/her partner. In fact, kindness is the seed of comprehension and trust. This kindness should also be to the children (if there are any). This makes the relationship stronger. A man once came to Caliph Umar Ibn Al Khattab (Radiya Allahu Anhu) wanting to divorce his wife claiming that he did not love her. Umar said to him: Woe unto you! Are the homes only built on love? Where are the care taking and the good dealing? In another narration, Umar said to a woman who answered No to her husband who asked whether she loved him: You (ladies) should lie (in these circumstances) and be kind. Indeed, not all homes are built on love and affection, rather living honourably with each other and in an Islamic way . What is meant is that the marital relationship cannot be linked to a changing feeling or some nonsense considerations. So, we advise our dear sister to persevere and try to convince herself of the above facts. Allah Says (interpretation of meaning): {…it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good."}[4:19]. However, if the situation becomes unbearable for the woman then she can ask for divorce and the husband divorces her or accepts Khulu from her. Allah knows best.
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