assalamu aleikum I am married for about 7 years. We have children. When we married my husband was studying, but he could not finnish his studies in our city. So we moved to another country, because they have better changes for work, better schools and easier regarding religion. It took many yrs to learn the language, and now my husband has finally got a occupation. But after finishing, he has not been able to get a job in his occupation. He refuses to take "lower" jobs like cleaning because they are not paid well. I started working from home last year, and my husband promised me, he would take care of the home. It turned all bad, his understanding of caring of the home is so different from mine. Now he is somehow depressed and watches TV all day, I work and do most homework and take most care of the kids. He is sometimes talking to me I have to work more, so we can have enough money, but I feel I cannot make all this anymore. I could handle the work and home if he would be alsobe working, but he just sitting there and leaving it to me makes me mad. His depression make me feel very bad, he is not really talking to me, just giving harsh commands. I make dua that Allah give him work, I would be proud of him if he would go cleaning and provide for his family. He prays and fasts and tries to be a better human, but his behaviour towards me and letting me almost alone with this make it very hard for me. I beginn to think that it would be better for me to be alone and take care of the kids. I have tried to talk to him and write him letters make dua and all, but its so hard to be patient. I am afraid for my marriage. I know this is a test from Allah. How can I have strenght to carry all this alone? My 2 question is, do I have to obey him in really all things? e.g. if he tells me I have to clean, but I have not really time for it because of the work, and he has enough time to do it. I feel he just resting on the fact that he can let it all to me and I have to obey..

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His Slave and Messenger.

First of all, it should be mentioned that the husband is obliged to provide for his wife and children, and he is responsible for them before Allaah, The Almighty. Abdullaah ibn ‘Amr narrated that the Prophet said: “It is enough a sin for a person not to provide for those whom he is obliged to support.” [Abu Daawood]

The wife is not obliged to provide for herself and her children, unless she does so willingly, in which case she is rewarded for doing so. Zaynab, the wife of 'Abdullaah ibn Mas’ood, asked Bilaal to ask the Prophet on her behalf: “O Prophet of Allaah, would I be rewarded for paying my Zakah to my husband and the orphans (of my brother) who are under my guardianship?” The Prophet said: “Yes, she will receive a double reward: One for helping relatives and the other for giving Zakah.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] You may seek reimbursement from your husband for what you spent on yourself and your children if you did not spend that out of charity. For more benefit, kindly refer to Fatwa 85012.

Our advice to you, dear sister, is to be patient with your husband and to talk to him gently about this issue. You may seek the help of those who may influence him to intercede for you, while continuing to supplicate for him. You can also remind him of the textproofs regarding the virtue of seeking livelihood. Al-Miqdaam narrated that the Prophet said: “The best food a person eats is that which he earns with his own hands, and the Prophet of Allaah Daawood (David) would eat from what he earned with his own hands.” [Al-Bukhari]

Hakeem ibn Hizaam narrated that the Prophet said: “The upper hand (the one that gives) is better than the lower hand (the one that receives).” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

In addition to this, he should be made aware that staying without work and watching TV all day will make him even more depressed, and that there is no shame in doing any kind of permissible work to earn lawful money until Allaah facilitates for him a suitable job. The Prophets, may Allaah exalt their mention, used to herd sheep for a living. Abu Hurayrah narrated that the Prophet said: “Allaah did not send a Prophet except that he herded sheep.” His Companions asked him, “And you?” The Prophet replied, “Yes, I used to herd the sheep of the people of Makkah for a few Qiraats (carats).” [Al-Bukhari]

For more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 50623, 103083 and 98765.

According to the preponderant opinion of the scholars, the wife is obliged to serve her husband at home according to customs; however, the husband should not take advantage of this and overburden his wife to do what she is not able. Rather, he should endeavor to help her, especially if his wife is working and pays the expenses of the home as in your case. Your husband should take the Prophet as a good example. Al-Aswad said: “I asked 'Aa'ishah “What did the Prophet do in his house?” She replied: “He would serve his family, and when the time for the prayer was due, he would go out for the prayer.” [Al-Bukhari]

Besides, Imaam Ahmad narrated in his Musnad that Aa'ishah said: “He was a human being just like all other human beings. He used to remove the fleas from his clothes, milk his sheep, and serve himself.” For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 85424.

The husband is obliged to treat his wife kindly as this is her right on him. Allaah says (what means): {And live with them in kindness.} [Quran 4:19] Indeed, the Prophet was gentle and loving to his wives. 'Aa'ishah narrated that once she traveled with the Prophet before she put on weight. They raced and she won the race. Later, when she put on weight, they raced again and the Prophet won the race, then he said: “This (race) is for that (race).” [i.e. you won first time, and now I won].

As regards asking for divorce, the wife has the right to ask for divorce if she is harmed by staying with her husband; however, she should not hasten to do so as the greater interest may not always be in divorce. For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 92474.

Allaah Knows best.