Assalaamu alaykum. During and after my wedding, there were some problems between my husband, my in-laws, and my parents. Things got pretty ugly. My parents were not giving my husband the respect that he deserved as their son-in-law, and my husband was rude during some of the fighting that went on after the marriage. We had two very big incidents where our parents said some nasty things to each other. Mean things were said by both sides. My sister-in-law and my brother are also married, they consumed their marriage but do not yet live together. They are not able to establish their relationship because of these problems that still persist. Because of all the problems that went on between the families, at one point my husband forbade me from talking to my parents. My husband and I had quite a few fights because of these problems. I obliged and stopped talking to them. I was unable to pick a side. I honestly think everyone is at fault, including me. Obviously, some are more at fault than others, but who am I to judge? I refrained from speaking to my parents until my father got very sick. He had some heart problems. Eventually, my husband allowed me to talk to them. I don't know whether forbidding me from talking to them is right, islamically, or not. I will be moving closer to where my parents live, and I ignore whether my husband will allow me to see my parents. My parents do not know that my husband initially forbade me or that I might not be able to see them when I move. I do not know what to do. They are my parents. I love them very much. Nevertheless, I also love my husband very much. It is a sticky situation, and there are a lot of people involved. I hurt my parents during the initial fights. I called them up because my father-in-law asked me to. I had a very heated argument with my father. He hasn't spoken to me since. My mother talks to me though. I need to see him and make things right for the hereafter. What do I do if my husband refuses to let me see them? Whom should I obey, my parents or my husband?Please help.

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His Slave and Messenger.

The Islamic Sharee‘ah enjoins kindness and compassion among Muslims; this religious duty is rather more emphasized among the in-laws given the ties of kinship that bond them. Allaah, The Exalted, says (what means): {The believers are but brothers, so make settlement between your brothers. And fear Allaah that you may receive mercy.} [Quran 49:10] ‘Abdullaah ibn ‘Umar narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, "A Muslim is a brother to another Muslim..." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

We advise you to tackle this situation wisely and strive in reconciling between them; verily, reconciling between people's conflicting hearts is one of the greatest and most rewardable good deeds. Allaah, The Exalted, says (what means): {No good is there in much of their private conversation, except for those who enjoin charity or that which is right or conciliation between people. And whoever does that seeking means to the approval of Allaah - then We are going to give him a great reward.} [Quran 4:114] Abu Ad-Dardaa’ reported that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, "Shall I not inform you of something more excellent in degree than fasting, prayer and charity?" The people replied, "Yes!" He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, "It is reconciliation between people; as spoiling what is between them is the shaver (destructive)." [Ahmad, Abu Daawood and At-Tirmithi]

We have previously underlined that the husband is not entitled to prevent his wife from visiting her parents; please refer to Fatwa 82969. If a husband commanded his wife to sever her relationship with her parents or forbade her from talking to them, then he is committing a grave sin; he is commanding undutifulness towards the parents and the cutting of the ties of kinship. In this case, the wife is not obliged to obey him; verily, there is no obedience to any created being in what constitutes disobedience to the Creator. ‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, "There is no obedience (to anyone) in disobeying Allaah." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

To preserve your family, you may contact your parents without the knowledge of your husband; this is the optimal way to solve this problem.

We advise you to try to reach a mutual understanding with your husband and to give him gentle advice; verily, this is one of the best foundations of a healthy marriage that fosters happiness and maintains love and compassion between the spouses. Please refer to Fatwa 231328 for further benefit.

Finally, we would like to highlight that if the husband commands his wife to do whatever is permissible and the wife’s obedience to her husband somehow clashes with her obedience to her parents, then her obedience to her husband is given priority over her obedience to her parents; the fulfillment of the husband’s rights over his wife takes precedence over the fulfillment of those of her parents. Ibn Taymiyyah wrote, "When a woman gets married, her husband has more authority over her than her parents, and obeying her husband is more obligatory on her." [Al-Fataawa]

It is advisable, though, to strive in reconciling between the (fulfillment of the) rights of the husband and the parents, whenever possible.

It is incumbent on you to repent to Allaah of your neglect of your parents’ due rights over you; you should keenly strive to obtain your father’s pleasure, even through the phone. You can also seek the help and mediation of whomever you believe your father would listen to if that is necessary.

Allah Knows best.