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Fatwa CenterLiving with in-laws and wishing for private time with spouse
Question
Assalaamu alaykum. I live with my husband and his parents, and his parents do not plan to move. I can accept this with one condition. I want to ask my husband to take me somewhere once every two or three months without his parents or without anyone else, just me and him, because I am really grieving the loss of privacy with my husband. If my husband would just take me once in a while to get some ice cream, just me and him, then that would be enough to make me happy and not feel so bad about his parents staying with us because I would know that I can still enjoy some of the moments that I love with my husband. I tried to talk to my husband about it, and he ignores me. Am I doing something wrong by asking for this? If not, then how can I get my husband to listen to me? I know that they are his parents and that they have a lot of rights. I am a mother myself, so I know how hard it is to be a parent. But I also want to enjoy a little romance with my husband once in a while.
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.
There is nothing wrong with asking your husband for the things that you mentioned that you like doing. He should not have ignored your requests. He should have followed the example of the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, in this regard. He, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was known for his kindness and gentleness with his wives.
It was narrated that ‘Aa'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, said, "While I was on a journey with the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, I had a race with him, and I outstripped him on my feet. When I became fleshy, I (again) had a race with him, and he outstripped me. So he said, 'This for that.'" [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
‘Aa'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, also said, "I would drink when I was menstruating, then I would hand it (the drink) to the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and he would put his mouth where mine had been and drink, and I would nibble at the bone on which some bits of meat were left while I was menstruating, then I would give it to the Prophet and he would put his mouth where my mouth had been." [Muslim]
In another narration, ‘Aa'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, said, "I once saw the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, at the door of my house while some Abyssinians were performing in the mosque (displaying their skill with spears). The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was screening me with his Ridaa' (outer garment covering the upper part of the body) so that I could watch them play." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
The Muslim wife is not obliged to accept living with her husband's relatives, whether they are his parents or others. We believe that the fact that you accepted to live with your husband's parents reflects your noble character; your husband should reward your good action with kindness, and he should honor your rights over him just like he honors the rights of his parents over him. Please refer to fatwas 84608 and 86132.
Our advice to you is to supplicate Allah as much as you can to help you get what you wish for, and try to be as nice as you can to your husband and to use gentle language with him to encourage him to fulfill your requests. Verily, there is nothing that is difficult for Allah, The Almighty; people's hearts are between two of His Fingers, and He turns them as He wills, as it has been reported in the authentic hadeeth.
Allah knows best.
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